Reminds me of the movie "A Christmas Story" when one of the boys gets his
tongue stuck to a flagpole...I can hear it now "Don't leave me guys, I'm
stuck, I'm stuck"..the fire department has to come to remove his
tongue...anyone with me on this??
For those of you who know what I am talking about, picture this:
Stan, Xev, and 790 standing around the cryochamber..
Stan: Go on Xev, I dare you...come on, Kai's in there.
Xev shakes her head "no."
Stan: OK I triple dog dare you.
790: He skipped right to the triple dog dare!!! Don't do it my
Xev: I have to now, he triple dog dared me...
Xev sticks out her tongue and moves toward the cryochamber.....
(OK so I am a sick puppy...Jen)
And Semiramis chimed in:
With a flip of her long orange and yellow hair, she stick out her long
lizard tongue and swipes it slowly up the glass, leaving a clear trail of
frozen spit behind. Her tongue slithers up the pane, reaching one of the
bits of flat metal binding the glass and...stops.
Xev. Eh. Eh! Eyyyhhhhhh!!!!
790: What's wrong sugarplum?
Xev: Eib thtuk!
Stan: You're what?
Xev: Thuck! Thuck! Thuck! Ay kand mahv mah ptung!
Kai opens his eyes, and slowly focuses on the wet, slightly frosty organ
glued to his cryopod. He turns his head, and moves it forward in that
typical Kai "What the Hell are you?" look, and then stands up straight. The
soft whoosh of the cryopod disengaging is heard.
790: Stop it! If the pod opens, it will rip her tongue out of her mouth!
But it is too late, and the pod cover begins to rise. Stan, thinking
quickly, grabs Xev and lifts her bodily up and to one side, following the
rise of the pod. Kai slips out quickly in the small opening, and grabs the
cover before it can come to quarter height. He presses down on the cover and
the servos disengage, lowering the cover back in place.
790: Are you all right, dearest?
Xev: Ah cawnt beweive ahm thtuck! Thith is awfuw! Kawiii. Hep!
Kai looks at Xev closely.
Kai: The surface layer of your tongue is frozen. It will not detach
itself. I could detach it for you, if you like. <sound of brace> :::
790: Nooooooooo!!!! There's got to be another way!
And Jenny Lindskog added:
Kai stops at the last second.
Kai:I have no experience of this sort of emergency. Maybe if you just
to rip it off yourself?
Stan and Xev both look horrified.
Stan: But that would hurt!!
Xev: Mrfhrrfrphphr!! (Xev pointing at her tongue, eyes wide open in horror)
790: Hang in there, sweetest of all sweet things!
Kai: However, I believe that the most painless way to remove your tongue
would be to make it warmer, so that the thin layer of ice between your
tongue and the wall will melt.
Stan: maybe if you drooled a bit...(thinks better of it when he sees
angry eyes, if looks could kill he'd be deader than Kai)
Xev: Eh huhh!!
Stan: Huh? What was that again, Xev?
790: She says it hurts, moron!
Suddenly Stan lights up.
Stan: I know what we could do!!
790: Oh no! The idiot thinks it can think!
Stan: Arggh, your mother was a toaster!
790: At least I knew my mother. On the other hand, your mother...
Xev: Yill yewe guyth thut up! Hep me!
Stan: Here's my idea, but...
He looks at Kai, who frowns at him.
Stan: It's not very sanitary.
790: Coming from you, I wouldn't expect it to be.
Xev: Eye don' kare. Whadaya godna tho?
Stanley: We need to defrost your tongue. That means we need
something on it that is warmer than your tongue. Something liquid, right?
Kai: That is correct. Are you suggesting that we order the Lexx
some hot soup? That would fulfill the requirements of the hot liquid.
Stanley: Yeah, but by the time we got the soup from the galley to here....
790: It would be cold. Of all the stupid...hey, we could just
and put his innards on the tongue, and the blood would be hot enough to
Kai: That would not be an efficient use of Stanley's body.
Stanley: I have to agree with you there! Besides, I was thinking,
another body fluid...
Kai: My protoblood would not...
Stanley: Not *that* body fluid. *Another* type of body fluid.
One that is
easily gotten rid of?
Kai: Stanley, the dead do not go pee.
Xev: Ub mah Gawd! Yah kidthing! Yah nah gonnah fee oth ne! Nah vey!
Kai: Stanley has a good idea, and I do not see an alternative.
Jenny then added:
790: Surely there are other body fluids? Like I said, why not kill Stan
use his blood?
Stan: Out of the question!!
Kai: However, you have a point, there are some other body fluids we
Stan: Yes! Why didn't I think of that!?
Runs to the cryobox and begins to drool on Xev's tongue...
And JenPinto continued with:
Xev: Yuch!! Noth thorking!! Geth ofth!
790: Figures...the loser can't even drool correctly.
Stan: For your information, I drool just fine...It's not my fault that
tongue is stuck like glue to the cryochamber.
790: Yes it is!! You were the one that triple dog dared her, you IDIOT!!
Kai: What if we heat the opposite side of the glass? We won't
tongue and hopefully the ice will condense on the other side, releasing Xev.
It is worth a try.
Stan: Yeah, we can use this (holds up that lightsaber-looking laser
Zev had in Mantrid)
Semiramis piped in with:
Kai turns the laser on and goes toward the cryopod. Xev's eyes
and wider as she sees the laser approach -- it is obviously getting too
close for her mental comfort.
Xev: Waith! Waith! Ith theah anythin' elth ya kain do?
Kai sees her discomfort and stops.
Kai: 790, compute the margin for error in this attempt.
790: [pause] I calculate you have an 80% margin of error in nine
out of ten
Stan: Oh, wow. Forget that idea, then. What about the pee idea?
They look at each other, and then look at Xev.
Xev: Tha' doethnt thound tho bad any moah...
Kai: There is an alternative body fluid. My original objection
regards to using my protoblood outside my body. However, protoblood will
maintain a constant temperature when heated.
Xev: Huh? Hah kan weh het yah up?
Stan: What did she say?
790: She said, "How can we heat you up? And I assume she meant
it in the
platonic sense, O brainless one.
Kai looks slowly at both of them, and then with a determined frown looks
Kai: I assure you, Xev, this will not hurt. I am decarbonized
-- this will
not leave any permanent lasting damage on me.
Xev: Ah! oh, oh oh! Kaaiiii!
Kai takes the laser and charges it up. There is a weird glow of
red on his
face from the light as he lowers the lazer and turns it vertically so that
the point is under his chin. Then -- with the laser he slowly pierces
between his jaw and neck, putting the beam through his head.
Stan: <shocked> Kai!
He holds it here, immobile, as his head starts to glow orange, and then
with heat. After a small wisp of steam escapes from his mouth, Kai lowers
and removes the laser. His face is glowing orange as it cools rapidly. Kai
moves slowly towards Xev, and puts his face close to hers.
Kai: When my tongue reaches an adequate temperature, I will begin.
After a moment, Kai blinks...and sticks out his tongue, steam escaping
the now pink and warm organ. He slowly uses the tip to trace the edge of
Xev's tongue, going from the corner of her mouth to the tip and back again.
Her tongue starts to steam as well. Slowly, slowly, Kai licks and licks and
licks. The steam from his mouth curls up and around their faces, and Xev
closes her eyes, basking in the feeling of Kai's tongue caressing her own.
Bit by bit, gently, gently, her tongue comes unfrozen from the glass.
the last bit releases itself, Kai takes Xev in his arms and engulfs her
tongue in his mouth. His full lips caress hers, and Kai's cheeks hollow as
he sucks on her tongue. Again and again, softly, softly, he warms her mouth
with his own.
A sweet sigh escapes from Xev, and her body goes limp in his arms, melting
from the feeling of full, deep, hot kisses from her tall, dark and handsome
Kai pauses, and breaks the kiss, looking into Xev's eyes. His
face is still
flushed from the heat, but his eyes...his eyes resume their dispassionate
Kai: Your tongue has now resumed its normal temperature.
Xev: Yes, but the rest of me...
Kai: Are you injured?
Xev: I'm hot.....hot, and bothered. Kiss me again!
Kai: Xev....[pause, reluctant look] I need to return to the cryochamber
immediately. For my protoblood to last, I must lower my body
temperature...<deeper voice> ...Now.
And Kai returns to the cryochamber.
790: I hope you learned your lesson, Stanley the less-than-manley.
Xev: *I* learned a lesson, 790.
790: What is that, sweet of all sweets?
Xev: If you can't join 'em, lick 'em.
Semiramis, Jenny, and Jennix
5/6/00 7:55 p.m.
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