"Fortuitous Malfunction"
By Lexxentric

"Yes Stanley." 

The Captain tried not to grin, but his lips twitched slightly as he asked, 
"What are you doing?" 

"I am watching Xev sleep," Kai said stoically, making no attempts to excuse 
his activity.  Stanley leaned against the pliant entrance jamb and watched 
along with the assassin.  Beyond the doorway Xev was spread on her bed, 
partially nude, a sheet covering her most intimate parts.  She had a smile 
on her lips, no doubt profoundly involved in a dream. 

"And why are you watching Xev sleep?" Stan asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"I am curious," Kai answered, his tone neutral.  His eyes never left Xev to 
glance at Stanley.  They were riveted on the beautiful body that lay so 
invitingly sprawled on the bed. 

Stan waited for an elaboration that never came.  He hung his head forward 
and said, "...about?" 

"Xev was telling me about dreams some time ago," Kai explained.  "I was 
curious about what she dreams of." 

"You don't dream when you're in cryostasis?"  Stanley was intrigued.  One 
of the many consequences of boredom. 

"The dead do not dream." 

"Shame.  Why don't you just ask her?  I don't think you'll get a peek at 
her dreams just watching her.  Unless, hey, that's your kink," Stan 
snorted, holding up his hands. 

Kai finally glanced at the Human.  The sober sincerity on his face erased 
Stan's mirth and he cleared his throat self-consciously.  "Seriously, just 
ask her.  I'm sure she'll be ... more than pleased to tell you all about 
it."  There was a note of bitterness in Stan's voice that Kai did not fail 
to notice. 

"Perhaps you could ask her," Kai suggested. 

Stanley seemed genuinely surprised at the proposition.  "Me?" he asked dumbly. 

"Yes, you." 

"Why me?" 

"My asking her would not be appropriate."  He returned to watching Xev, his 
pose that of a statuesque being, immobile, focused.  "She would ... find a 
motivation behind my curiosity." 

Stanley grinned broadly.  "Is there?  I didn't think the dead were curious." 

Kai did not reply.  They remained quiet for a stretch of time before the 
assassin straightened up and turned to Stanley slowly.  "Come with me."  He 
did not wait for a verbal ascent, he merely walked away from Xev's room 
toward the outer corridors. 

Stanley hesitated, but then thought about the alternative.  Chatting with 
790 or the Lexx held very little appeal.  He shrugged and followed the 


"Xev has sexual needs," Kai said as they entered, of all places, Stan's 
room.  "She believes she is in love with me," he stated with detached sobriety. 

"I don't know where you've been the last couple of months, but ... YE-ah," 
Stan rolled his eyes.  How could someone be so dense.  "And don't think she 
just believes it," he added. 

"I cannot return her affections," Kai continued as though Stan hadn't 
spoken.  He was observing the Human's room carefully.  "It would not be 

"You say that a lot.  And hey, you're not hearing me complaining." 

"Because you are in love with Xev?" Kai asked, glancing at Stanley. 

The man guffawed.  "Yeah, I'm in love," he edged.  "If you call that love." 

"Lust, then." 

"Closer to the mark there, dead-man."  Stanley began feeling 
irritation.  "So, why are we here then?" 


"Okay, you're gonna have to start pasting an explanation after them one 
words you're so fond of." 

"I wish to make Xev ... happy." 

This was a new variable.  When did Kai start caring about other people's 
happiness?  "Are you feeling all right?" 


"What's wrong?" 

Kai seemed suddenly uneasy being in the confines of Stanley's room.  He 
shifted positions and decided to sit at the edge of the bed.  "Since my 
last cryostasis, I have ... experienced odd thoughts." 

Stanley's face drained of color.  Was Kai going to wreak havoc like last 
time?  "Such as?" 

"Such as wanting to make Xev happy." 

"If that's the only thing, I have a few suggestions that pops to mind," 
Stanley said unkindly. 

"I cannot have sex with her," Kai stated.  "The dead do not--" 

"Okay," Stan interrupted, holding up his hand.  "Okay.  You don't need to 
... have the necessary equipment to actually have sex with her.  You know 
... I mean, if you just want to please her, there are other ways than the 
basic, you know ..."  He thrust his hips suggestively a few times. 

"Tell me," Kai demanded, looking up at Stanley. 

Re-adjusting his hat with one hand, Stan exhaled slowly.  "Ooooh boy.  Okay 
... uhm.  Well, see, a woman's body is ... very interesting," he began, 
sitting down. 


Xev murmured in her sleep, her entire body singing with warmth and 
comfort.  She was experiencing a very pleasant sensation, and she tried to 
hold on to it as her conscious began to slowly surface from her 
slumber.  "Hmmm," she exhaled, turning her head sideways.  Her legs moved, 
spread apart slightly to accommodate whatever was going on. 

A small crease shadowed Kai's forehead as he concentrated.  Stanley's 
instructions had been adequate, yet somewhat vague at parts.  His opinion 
that 'Kai improvise' was not all that successful.  How did one improvise 
when one had no idea what they were doing? 

His hand, icy cold, was a contrast to Xev's increasingly heated flesh.  Her 
temperature was higher than a Human's, her cluster-lizard blood naturally 
more heated than others'.  Stimulated, her skin seemed to radiate their own 
kind of energy. 

His hand had delved under the sheets, and he'd made no move to follow the 
movements visually.  He felt with his fingers for her warm, inner folds, 
finding them slick with some sort of lubricant.  Another variable Stanley 
had not mentioned.  Kai wondered if this was normal. 

His focus was so tight that he failed to notice Xev opening her eyes.  He 
knew of her awakened state only when she spoke to him.  "Kai?"  Her voice 
was sweetly innocent, brimming with question. 

"Good evening, Xev," he said with detached courtesy. 

"What ... are you doing?" she asked breathlessly, leaning on her elbows to 
watch him intently. 

"Is this pleasurable?" 

Her eyes glazed over.  "Moreso than anything I've ever dreamt of," she 
said, her voice rising slightly as Kai doubled his efforts. 

"Then be quiet."  His own voice was lower than usual, seductive.  Sensual. 

Xev's eyes widened slightly.  Kai was not acting normally.  But would she 
risk never having this opportunity again to find out what was wrong?  Her 
head fell back as she felt Kai's fingers harshly explore her.  If 790 could 
see her now. 

Kai was half-kneeling on the bed, his eyes dark with concentration.  With 
his free hand he raised Xev's cluster-lizard skins, throwing the flap 
unceremoniously over her belly to watch his own doing. 

"What do you feel?" Xev ventured with a whisper. 

"Nothing.  I do this to please you," Kai retorted, the hoarseness of his 
voice more pointed.  He leaned down to splay his hands on her inner thighs, 
massaging the flesh with interest.  The strands of his hair fell silkily 
against her legs and Xev shivered.  How long she'd yearned for this! 

Xev was passed caring whether something was wrong or not.  Her natural 
libido combined with her arousal pushed her beyond comprehension.  Beyond 
coherent thought. 

The icy cool of his flesh was exciting, so too was the fact Kai was the one 
actually doing this.  His pallor cut through the dimness of her room like a 
beacon, his eyes pools of witching darkness.  As though on their own 
accord, her arms raised toward him and she grabbed firm hold of his 
temples, leading Kai's face downward.  If Kai couldn't satisfy her with the 
more conventional means, Xev would use the occasion to apply those sensuous 
lips to other venues than just simple talking. 

Kai didn't seem to understand what Xev wanted until she guided his mouth to 
her wet folds.  Small ridges decorated the pelvic bones and disappeared in 
small creases inside her.  No doubt a vestige of her cluster-lizard 
blood.  Tentatively he reached with his fingers to trace the ridges.  They 
were slippery and his flesh glided easily against her warm, darkened 
skin.  Xev appeared to enjoy what he was doing.  She was also trying, with 
great difficulty, to say something.  "K-k ... iiiiiiss ..." she breathed. 

So Kai knelt on the bed with both legs and left her heated folds to reach 
her mouth.  Her hands, iron talons, wrenched at his hair and pulled him 
back down.  "Kiss THAT," she hissed. 

Kai did neither.  "Xev, are you enjoying yourself?" 

She glared at him for the obvious question. 

"Why are you so angry, then?" 

"Haven't you ever seen a cluster-lizard in heat?" 

"I cannot say that I have," Kai confessed. 

"Well, Kai, you're seeing one now.  Now pleeeease," she moaned.  "Kiss 
it!  If I can't have you whole, I'll be very happy with your mouth," she added. 

"Very well."  Xev could have sworn there was a slight smirk that crossed 
the assassin's lips before he leaned down to obey her instructions.  She 
didn't get to finish her thought, however, and clutched the bed sheets as 
desire and arousal filled her whole. 


Xev naked, and Kai spread clothed next to her, the couple looked at the 
ceiling.  Xev was smiling, Kai was, as usual, staring blankly.  At some 
point he turned to her.  "Xev?" 


"I would like to kiss you now.  On the mouth." 

Xev smiled at the ceiling, her eyes dark and her lips swollen with 
desire.  "I think we'll keep you around for a few months before I get 790 
to look you over." 

Kai tilted his head, but the suggestion was left unanswered as Xev pulled 
him to her and kissed him quite thoroughly. 


The shriek that reverberated within the Lexx did not go unheard.  Stanley 
smirked, 790 widened his digital eyes.  "What was that?!" 

Stanley chuckled.  "Never heard a cluster-lizard scream in ecstasy before?" 

It took a few gasps from 790 before the inevitable "NOOOOOOOOOO!" was 
wrenched from his crimson lips.