"The 790 Horror TV Show"
By Mel Hyland
Final Note: This an audience partici...pation event. Readers are 
encouraged, nay expected, to dress up as the characters, sing 
along and heckle at the appropriate moments. Lobbing toast or 
squirting water pistols at your monitor however is *not* 

*Chapter One* 

Scene: the desert world of Nimbus-9. Cut to the Time Prophet 
standing on her pedestal, staring regally ahead. Pan closer to her; 
she looks at the audience somewhat irritably, then heaves a weary 
sigh and begins. 

Time Prophet: "I would like... if I *must*... to take you... on a 
strange journey in the future-past. I can see into the cycles of 
time... not very clearly mind you... but that's Channel 5's 
transmitters for you*." 

"It seemed... a fairly ordinary re-run of Wake the Dead... when Tad 
and his girlfriend Canana - and three other brats whom I can't be 
bothered to name - left Bingo44 that evening to holiday at the 
Kissmekissme Camp on Momo13. It's true that the fat kid Gibal 
failed to tell his father that he'd 'borrowed' his spaceship, so no-one 
back home knew where they were headed. It's also true that Enox 
ballsed up the program that should have roused them from cryo- 
sleep on arrival, leaving them to drift aimlessly for 300 years. Still, 
being normal kids - i.e, incredibly stupid - they weren't going to let 
a transmission of camp regulations spoil the events of the evening." 

Pan to close-up of the Time Prophet's face. 

TP: "In a cross-over parody.... it was a parody they were going to 
remember.... for a very long time." 

Cut to Gibal's dad's spaceship, drifting through space. Inside, 
thanks to a convenient malfunction, the kids have been revived and 
are milling somewhat groggily around the interior. Tad is peering 
confusedly through the window, wondering where Momo13 is. 

Canana: "What's the matter, Tad darling?" 

Tad: "Hmmmm... we must have taken a wrong fork a few light 
years back." 

He examines the ship's controls, trying to gauge their whereabouts 
when suddenly something explodes on the dashboard in a shower 
of sparks. Everyone leaps back in alarm. 

Canana: "What was that bang?!" 

Tad: "We must have had a blow-out. Dammit! (slapping the 
dashboard dramatically) I knew we shouldn't have let you near the 
controls, Enox." 

Enox: "Asshole!" 

Things go downhill rapidly from there. Before it comes to blows, 
Gibal makes a startling suggestion. 

Gibal: "Didn't we pass a giant bug-like ship a while ago? Maybe 
they have a transmitter we could use?" 

A few minutes later, they are floating back the way they came and 
the Lexx hoves into view, filling their entire view screen. Tad and 
Canana start singing, while the others stare at them as if they've 
gone mad - and can you blame them? 

(To the tune of 'In The Darkness') 

Canana: "In the velvet darkness, 
Of the blackest night, 
Flying high, 
A giant dragonfly, 
Don't know what, where, or why...." 

Tad & Canana: "There's a bug, 
Floating in the depths of space, 
There's a bug, 
Destroying life all over the place, 
There's a bug, a bug, 
In the darkness, a thousand-mile wide bug." 

Cut back to the Time Prophet. 

Time Prophet: "And so it seemed that fate had smiled on Tad and 
Canana - and the others - and that they had found the assistance 
that their plight required. (With a disgusted roll of her eyes) As if!" 

Cut back to the teens. They hail the Lexx via their comm. link and 
Stan appears on the screen, looking much as he normally does 
except his hair is long and straggly and his face is pale and scary. 
He peers sinisterly at them, but remains silent, much to their 

Tad (deciding to get things going if he can): Uh.... hi! My name's 
Tad.... and this is my girlfriend, Canana. (Get's a kick on the ankle 
from Laleen) Oh yeah... and that's Laleen, Enox and Gibal. (No 
response from Stan; he struggles on). Uh, our ship's kinda broken 
down and we've lost our way... do you have a transmitter we can 

Stan (after a long silence): "You're wet." 

Canana (dubiously): "Well, yes.... we've just thawed out from cryo- 


Tad: "Yes." 

Stan: "Yessssss..." 

Another long pause. 

Stan: "I think perhaps you'd better all.... come aboard." 

Canana: "You're too kind." (shooting Tad a worried look) 

Stan: "As long as you don't bloody sing again." 

Cut to the bridge of the Lexx. All five teens are standing around the 
control stand with their backpacks and bags. Stan is standing on 
the dais; we see he is wearing a dusty black frock coat over his 
orange overalls and fingerless gloves. Lyekka is standing to his 
right wearing a French maid's outfit, and Xev on his left holding 790; 
she is wearing a little leotard, bowtie, tailcoat and top hat, all made 
out of Cluster lizard hide. 

790: "All night long by the Kai-Kai, 
All night long by the Kai I moan, 
As he stuffs me down the front of his trousers, 
And -" 

Xev: "Shut it, appliance." (She drops him on the floor and plants a 
foot over his mouth, muffling his curses). 

Stan: "You've arrived on a rather special night... it's one of the 
Master's 'affairs'." 

Laleen: "And the Master is....?" 

Stan: "All in good time.... (stepping down from the dais). Shall we 
put your luggage away first? Then we'll take you on the grand tour." 

They take the teens' bags - and promptly drop them on the deck. 
Music starts up and Stan leaps onto the dais, hanging off one of 
the arms. 

(To the tune of 'The Time Warp') 

Stan: "It's astounding, 
Time's revolving, 
Round up it's fundament, 
But listen closely - 

Lyekka: "Not for very much longer - 

Stan: "This universe, is gonna get BENT!" 

"Time has a beginning! 
And time has an ending! 
And time begins all over again! 
If you screw up the first time - 

Stan & Lyekka: "Then you're pretty much lumbered!" 

(Suddenly His Shadow, Giggerota, Thodin, Wist, Mantrid, Prince 
and everyone else you can think of leap out from nowhere, all 
wearing party hats and shades) 

All: "Let's do the Cycle of Ti-ime! 
Let's do the Cycle of Ti-ime!" 

Time Prophet: "It's just a jump to the left -" 

All: "And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-ight!" 

Time Prophet: "With your hands on your hips -" 

All: "You bring your knees in ti-i-ight! 
But it's the pelvic thrust, 
That's really simply subli-i-i-ime! 
Let's do the Cycle of Ti-ime! 
Let's do the Cycle of Ti-ime!" 

Xev: "Well I was runnin' for my life from a love-slave fate, 
With a guard and a head, tryin' to escape, 
Then we all got saved by this cute dead guy, 
He had a big hairdo, and these big green eyes, 
He stared at me and I felt a change, 
Live men meant nothin', never would again!" 

All: "Let's do the Cycle of Ti-ime! 
Let's do the Cycle of Ti-ime!" 

Everyone except Stan, Lyekka, Xev and the kids disappears the 
way they came. The kids stare round confusedly while the others 
just stand there as though nothing happened. 

Tad: "Uh... who were those people?" 

Lyekka (blankly): "What people?" 

Tad: "O-kayyyy... nevermind." 

Stan: "This way...." 

They all file out from the bridge, leaving 790 on the floor. 

790: "Hey, where are you going? You're going to see Kai, aren't 
you? Stay away from him, you sluts, he's mine! Don't leave me 
here, I wanna come too! Waaaaaaahhhhh!" 

**Chapter Two** 

The group wander into the cryo-chamber, led by Stan. 

Stan: "...and this is the cryo-chamber, where the Master sleeps... 
in that box over there to be precise." 

They gather round Kai's cryo-pod, where a dark figure can be dimly 
made out through the iced-up glass. 

Stan: "Now this is important, so I want you kids to listen carefully. 
Kai is an assassin and he's very dangerous. On no account must 
you come in here and mess with his cryo-pod controls to wake him 
up. Nor must you give him a set of slasher-killer orders that'll turn 
him into a homicidal maniac, even though you only meant it as a 
joke. (Peering especially hard at Enox) You got that?" 

Enox: "Sure man, whatever you say." 

Stan (after a long pause): "So that's clear then? No messing with 
the controls, no slasher-killer orders, NOT EVEN TO ADVANCE 

Enox: "Yeah, that's perfectly clear. No messing with the cryo-pod, 
yadda, yadda, yadda. Message received and understood. No 

Stan: "Oh.... 'kay then." (Leads everybody out) 

Some time later.... 

Enox and Gibble are back in the cryo-chamber. Enox is spraying a 
skull-and-crossbones on Kai's cryo-pod. 

Gibble: "We're gonna get in trouble! He said not to mess with the 

Enox: "He never said I couldn't vandalise it though, did he fatso?" 

Gibble: "Oh... fair enough." 

Enox: "I'm bored, what can I do now? (Thinks for a moment) I know! 
I'll mess with the controls to try and wake him up and then give him 
a set of slasher-killer orders for a joke! (Jabs the buttons for a bit, 
then walks up and addresses Kai) Hey you! You're supposed to be 
an assassin so let's see you kill somebody! I want you to kill Tad 
and Canana, because they're sanctimonious, all-American saps. 
And Laleen and Gibble, because they don't really fit into this 
parody and the writer wants them out of the way quickly..." 

Gibble: "Hey, he doesn't fit into this either! Kill Enox as well!" 

Enox: "...and Xev, for preferring a corpse to a young stud like me... 
Stan, because he's old and creepy... and Lyekka, because she 
keeps looking at me like she wants to eat me - and not in a good 
way. Be sick! Be perverted!! Be inventive!!! Above all, HAVE FUN!!!! 
Right, that should do it." 

He and Gibble leave the room. A few moments pass... and then 
Enox rushes back in again. 

Enox: "Oh yeah, nearly forgot... ditch that knitted romper suit and 
get yourself some real threads, dude! That outfit adds about 10 
pounds on camera you know." 

He exits. Silence descends on the cryo-chamber again. White 
vapour coils through the air. Then Kai sits up abruptly, opens his 
lime-green, contact-lensed eyes and grins evilly. 

Cut to the chamber that formerly housed the brains of the Divine 
Predecessors. In the corridor outside, a repetitive thudding can be 
heard coming closer, as if something metallic were being kicked 
along the floor. That something turns out to be a slightly dented 
790, who gets booted into the room and hits the wall right at the 

790: "You bitch Xev! (He rolls to a stop on his side and lies there, 
whimpering) Oh Kai... where are you when I need you?" 

Footsteps can be heard coming towards the brain-chamber... high- 
heeled footsteps. 790 whimpers again, thinking it's Xev returning. 
From his POV, we see a pair of platform-sandaled feet walking up 
to him... the view pans up a pair of long, fishnet-stocking-and- 
suspender clad legs... a black spangly posing pouch... a red satin 
basque and black feather boa... and then... 


With a deft nudge of his toe, Kai flips 790 up into his lace-gloved 
hands and leers. His face is as pale as ever, but the scarlet 
lipstick, eye shadow and black eyeliner add a splash of colour. His 
hair is unbraided and hangs around his shoulders. 

790: "Kai?! Is that you? My god, you look... (gazing down slowly, 
then up again with sudden lust) ...*ravishing*." 

Kai: "That's the idea, my li'l sex toy." 

He plants a long passionate kiss on 790's mouth monitor. The 
robot head moans ecstatically and makes those tongue-waggling 
noises of his - it ain't pretty. 

790 (breathlessly): "Oh joy! Oh bliss! Does this mean you'll finally 
give Xev the push and marry me?" 

Kai: "You betcha sweet bippy, babe... after we indulge in a little 

790: "But how? I mean, I don't have a body with which to *lurve* 
you the way I've always dreamed." 

Suddenly they hear raised voices outside... its Laleen and Enox, 
rowing about Enox flirting with Xev, and Laleen with Stan. They 
stomp off, heading towards the shower and the cryo-chamber, and 
Kai beams maleficently. 

Kai: "Nope... but we know some people who do!" 

(To the tune of ‘I Can Make You A Man’) 

Kai: “A human brain, in a robot head 
Is great as a doorstop 
But not much in the bed, 
And soon in the lab, he’ll be laid on the slab, 
A body donation, for my newest creation, 
Is all he wants 
and needs. 
And with rewiring, and just a few jump leads, 
He'll be online, and on heat. 
He'll be a real man. Oh honey...” 

790: “But the wrong man.” 

Kai: “He quotes poetry, and fantasies, 
Double entendres galore... 
Annoys Xev with his insults, and gets bounced off the floor. 
Such annoying drivel, so thank god for my plan. 
In just seven hours ...oh baby, ...I will make you a ma-a-a-a-an!" 

He kisses 790 again, plonks him in one of the little alcoves and 
lopes out with a hungry grin, wrist brace at the ready. 

Cut to the bridge some time later. Tad and Canana are rolling out 
their sleeping bags when Stan comes in. 

Stan: "The Master requests the pleasure of your company in the 
cryo-chamber for his latest experiment." 

Tad: "What kind of experiment?" 

Stan: "Gawd knows... nobody tells me anything round here, I'm 
only the bloody captain after all..." (walks off complaining under his 

Canana: "Should we go find the others? I know Gibble went to the 
galley for some munchies... come to think of it, he's been a long 

Stan: "Ehhhh... I wouldn't bother. Come along, the Master doesn't 
like to be kept waiting." 

They enter the cryo-chamber where Kai is waiting, clad in a long 
green surgeon's smock. Lyekka and Xev stand to one side, wearing 
surgical masks, and the party guests are lounging about with 
drinks in their hands, waiting for the fun to begin. One of the cryo- 
pods is covered with a sheet and has several electrical cables and 
tubes attached, some leading to the protein-regenerator. 

Kai: "Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists - and you two 
uptight nerds - you are about to witness a new breakthrough in 
biochemical research. And finally, I'm going to get my legover!" 


Kai: "It was strange the way it happened. One minute I was alive... 
the next bang! flat on the deck and His Shadow... that bugger... 
digs a knife into my chest. Next thing I know, I'm not dead 
anymore! ...except I am, sort of... Erm... Ah sod it, to cut a long 
story short... I hold the secret... to un-life... itself!" 

He brandishes a vial of proto-blood aloft. More applause and party 
horns blowing. 

Kai: “Yes, you are fortunate! For tonight is the night... (snaps his 
rubber gloves) that my beautiful creature... is destined to be 

The guests give him a standing ovation. He gestures to Xev and 
Lyekka, who whip the cover off the cryo-pod to reveal someone... or 
some*thing*... lying inside. 

Kai (to Stan): "Throw open the switches on the positronic oscillator! 
And step up the electro-power input three more points!" 

Stan (irritably): How about I just switch the power on? (does just 

The makeshift machine springs noisily into life. Lights strobe on 
and off. Kai manically begins twisting the knobs and switches, 
pumping proto-blood up the tubes into the cryo-pod. Canana 
cowers against Tad. 

Canana: “Oh Tad, I'm frightened!" 

Tad (heroically): "It's all right, Canana." 

The noise and lights increase in intensity and the silhouette of the 
figure in the cryo-pod stands out starkly - the image of a human 
skeleton, with the skull replaced with a lump of circuitry, blinks on 
and off. There is a blinding flash and then the pod slowly opens to 
release a human form entirely swathed in bandages. Kai uncovers 
the head, revealing... 

Kai: "Oh, 790!" 

With a few deft slices of his wrist brace, he cuts away the rest of 
the bandages. 790 is now attached to a lean, firmly muscled male 
body, clad only in a gold thong and matching boots... and sporting 
elaborate tattoos on his back and down his arms. (Yep, you 
guessed it.) 

(To the tune of ‘Sword of Damocles’) 

790: “The Cluster Lizard ate me up and spat out my head, 
I fell for a love slave, but she chucked me and left me for dead, 
Oh, woe was me, 
She wouldn’t even look at me, 
Oh Zev, can't you see, 
That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. 
The fall off the bridge was what really did in my head,” 

Chorus: “That ain't no crime,” 

790: “And my reprogramming left me with a lust for a guy who is 

Chorus: “That ain't no crime ,” 

790: “Oh, woe was me 
He said he can’t feel for me 
No love, and no body 
Left me at the start of another big downer.” 

Kai: “Hey, wait a minute!” 

Everyone but Kai, Tad and Canana starts to boogie. 

Chorus: “Sha la la la, 
That ain't no crime,” 

790: “Oh no no no,” 

Chorus: “Sha la la la 
That ain't no crime 

790: “Oh no no no,” 

Chorus: “Sha la la la 
That ain't no crime 
That ain't no crime 
Sha la la.” 

Kai grabs 790 by the scruff of the neck. Everyone pipes down 

Kai: “Well, really! I’m supposed to be the star of this episode, 

790 hangs his head miserably and Kai relents. 

Kai: “But since you’re such... a hot piece of tail... I’m prepared to 
forgive you. After I’ve punished you, of course.” (790 promptly perks 
up - especially at the last part.) 

(To the tune of ‘I Can Make You A Man (part II) 

Kai: “But a circuit board and some high tech, 
Hot wired to a big joystick, 
Makes me, oooh, shake, 
Makes me want to take my Gameboy by the ...ha-ha-hand. 
In just seven hours, I can make you a man, 
Dig it if you can, 
In just seven hours, I will make you a man.” 

The wedding march begins to play. Kai links his arm into 790’s and 
leads him slowly across the cryo-chamber where a ‘bridal suite’ 
has been set up, with a bed similar to Xev’s and lots of drapery. 
The guests line up either side to form an aisle, cheering and 
tossing confetti; the only exceptions are Tad and Canana (who look 
bemused), Stan and Lyekka (who look indifferent), and Xev (who 
looks betrayed and furious). The happy couple reach the bed and 
Kai leaps up into 790’s arms and wraps his legs round his waist, 
just as the drapes close, hiding them from view. 

Tad: “Well, that was... an experience.” 

Canana: “Uh yeah. Hey, wasn’t that a funny coincidence... 790 had 
the same tattoos as Enox.” 

Tad: “Yeah, I wonder where he’s got to?” 

**Chapter Three***** 

Cut to the bridge of the Lexx. Canana and Tad are settling down in 
their sleeping bags, although Canana is the only one intending to 

Tad: "Aw, c'mon Canana, *please*?" 

Canana: "No Tad, I'm just not ready yet. Besides, you wouldn't want 
me to ruin my `innocent virgin of the group' image now, would you?" 

Tad: "Yes!" 

Canana (gives him an `Oh he's such a little kidder!' smile and kisses 
his cheek): "Soon, I promise." 

Clearly that's not soon enough for Tad, who abruptly stands and 
stomps off the bridge. 

Tad: "I'm going to the john!" 

Cut to another view on the bridge, a little while later. We are now 
looking at Canana through one of the membranes stretching from the 
ceiling to the bridge, so that her dozing form appears in silhouette. 
Another figure steals in and lies down beside her, snuggling close 
and getting busy with their lips and hands. 

Canana: "Mmmh... Tad? I said *no*.... ooooohhhh..... well okay, maybe 
just a little..... ooooh Tad! (giggles but then freezes in sudden 
concern) Oh... but what if...?" 

`Tad' (or *is* it?): "Don't worry Canana. Everything's going to be 
all right." 

Canana: "Oh, I hope so, my darling." 

She goes back to kissing `Tad', running her hands up his back to 
tangle in his hair... which appears to have suddenly grown rather 
long. She screams and pushes him back, sitting up to discover - 

Canana: "Wha... Oh! OH! OHHHH IT'S YOU!" 

Kai: "I'm afraid so, Canana. But isn't it NICE!" (He pounces on her 
again and she beats her fists against his chest in the traditional 
futile girlie manner.) 

Canana: "Oh you beast! You monster! What have you done with Tad?!" 

Kai: "Nothing <yet, but I'm working up to it!> Why, do you think I 

Canana: "You tricked me... I wouldn't have... I've never, ever..." 
(dissolves into tears) 

Kai: "Well that much was obvious the moment I set eyes on you, 
dearie. (Seductively) But it isn't all bad, is it. I really think you 
found it quite pleasurable... (He starts to kiss and fondle her again 
and it doesn't take long for her to cave in.) 

Canana (breaking away for a moment): "Promise you won't tell Tad?" 

Kai: "Cross my protoblood unit and hope to die." 

Laughing, the two lovers start shedding their clothes and groping in 
earnest. Then - 

Canana: "Erm... that's a very nice, uh, codpiece... but how are you 
supposed to...?" 

There is a click, followed by a loud buzz. Canana squeals. 


Cut to the cryo-chamber, where Stan and Xev are clearing up the 
debris of Kai and 790's wedding party. Neither of them are happy 

Xev: "How dare he? After all I've done for him! I risked my life to 
get him more protoblood, got melted down saving him from those 
doctors and does he thank me for it? No, he chucks me for the tin 
can! That dead git!" 

Stan: "What about me? I'm the captain of the most powerful 
destructive force in the Two Universes and I get nothing but abuse! 
Bloody corpses and their sex toys!" 

They stare at the curtained-off bridal suite, then at each other. 
Both smile wolfishly and sneak quietly towards it, pausing to grab a 
power cable each on their way. 

Inside, a shagged-out 790 lies on his front, chained by one ankle to 
the bed. Suddenly he arches up and screams as Stan jabs him with his 
power cable, electricity crackling. He rolls away, only to get 
another shock from Xev who is waiting at the other side of the bed. 

The pair dance around 790 who writhes on the bed, trying to escape 
their make-shift tazers. At last he manages to break his chain and 
darts past Xev, scrambling for the exit. Before he reaches it 
however, Stan lashes his cable out like a bullwhip and the live end 
connects with 790's head, causing him to shake and judder as his 
circuits overload. Random numbers flicker madly on his eye screens as 
his programming is reset. Then it is over and he stumbles desperately 
away from the cryo-chamber, Stan and Xev's cruel laughter echoing 
after him. 


Xev's bedroom, as seen through the filmy drapes. A silhouetted Tad 
sneaks in whispering "Xev?", hoping to get lucky. Finding the room 
deserted, he slips into the bed and waits... and sure enough, someone 
else comes in. 

`Xev': "Why Tad, you *naughty* boy! What about your girlfriend 

Tad: "Ah, screw Canana... or not, as it happens. She's just a girl... 
and you're a woman..." 

`Xev' (purrs): "And *you're* so strong and manly...." 

`Xev' slides into bed with Tad and moans appreciatively as he starts 
to kiss and fondle. A few seconds worth of groping and then... 

Tad (rearing back horrified): "YOU?!" 

Kai: "I'm afraid so, Tad. But isn't it NICE!" (He flips Tad 
underneath him, despite the younger man's struggles.) 

Tad: "Why you... What have you done with Canana?! 

Kai: "Nothing <worth mentioning anyway!> Why, do you think I should?" 

Tad: "You tricked me... I wouldn't have... I've never-never..." 

Kai: "Considering how long Canana's been holding out, you *do* 
surprise me. Admit it, you liked it, didn't you? (As Tad starts to 
protest, he slides back down on top of him, trailing kisses and 
caresses) There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure (kiss) 
And Canana needn't know (kiss) I won't tell her... (kiss) 

Tad (whimpering by now): "Well, if you promise you won't tell her..." 

Kai (impatiently): "Yeah yeah, on my mother's grave - if she had 
one." (He proceeds to rip off their clothes and toss them aside.) 

Tad: "Uh, nice codpiece, man. But how are we gonna...?" 

There is a click, followed by the sound of a pneumatic drill. Tad 


Canana is wandering lost through the Lexx's corridors, trying to find 

Canana: "What's happening here? Where's Tad? Where's anybody? 
(Tearfully, she continues on her way, pausing every so often to 
strike a melodramatic pose) Oh Tad! Tad my darling! How could I have 
done this to you? If only we hadn't made this journey. If only we 
hadn't let Enox set the controls. If only we were amongst friends. Or 
sane persons... oh wait, we're in the Light Zone. Okay, comparatively 
speaking." (She heads towards a doorway up ahead.) 

Canana: "Oh Tad... (suddenly fierce) What have they done with him?!" 

She walks through the doorway of Xev's bedroom and promptly finds 
out. Tad is lying against Kai, who has a proprietary arm round his 
neck, their naked forms only just covered by the bed sheets. Both are 
smoking cigarettes and looking very pleased with themselves. 

Canana: "Oh Tad... you BASTARD!" 

She whirls round and flees from the room. Tad leaps up horrified and 
scrambles after her, trying to pull his trousers on while Kai watches 
in amusement. 

Tad: "Canana wait, don't go!" 

Kai (snickering): "Well, that's `perverted' and `inventive' 
covered... what next?" 

He unsheathes his wrist brace and eyes Tad's retreating figure 


Canana soon loses Tad in the maze of corridors and winds up in Stan's 
room. As she huddles in the corner, she realises that it's not just 
her crying - and that the whimpers are coming from the trembling lump 
under Stan's bed sheets. Nervously she tiptoes over and pulls them 
aside, gasping as she sees the abused 790. 

Canana: "Oh, but you're hurt. (Examining the various burns on his 
body in anger) Did *they* do this to you?" 

790 nods miserably, still cringing as Canana reaches down and tears 
strips off the hem of her mini-dress. 

Canana: "Here, I'll dress your wounds." (Carefully she begins to 
bandage him up, not noticing when he finally dares to look up at her - 
 only to stop and stare as his love slave program kicks in. Her face 
appears in his eye screens as she fusses over him, cooing softly) Oh 
baby, there, there..." 

Whilst this is going on, Canana's transmitter drops onto the bed and 
crackles into life. Muffled by the sheets, neither notice the 

Tad (over the transmitter): "Canana, can you hear me? I'm sorry, it's 
you I love, I just get frustrated sometimes, but he didn't mean 
anything to mAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!" (Silence) 

Gently, 790 places his hand on Canana's. She looks up and meets his 
gaze of pure adoration. 

790: "I will love you forever." 

Canana gapes at him, taken aback. For a moment she looks away, not 
knowing what to think.... and then a slow smile spreads across her 


Cut to the Time Prophet, who is flipping through a dictionary, 
clearly bored out of her brains. 

Time Prophet: "'Emotion. Agitation or disturbance of mind. Vehement 
or excited mental state'. It is also a powerful and irrational 
master - which is as good an excuse as any for Miss Concrete Knickers 
suddenly going nympho." 


Back to the bridge, where Lyekka and Xev are lounging on the steps, 
watching Canana and 790 on the Lexx's view screen and munching 

Xev & Lyekka: "Tell us about it, Canana!" (falling about laughing) 

(To the tune of `Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch Me') 

Canana: "I was feeling done in... couldn't win, 
I'd only ever kissed before." 

Xev: "You mean she...?" 

Lyekka: "Yup." 

Canana: "I thought there's no use letting, Tad get more than petting, 
Now he's been screwed by Kai in some cheap setting." 

"So I'm giving up boys, for a battery toy, 
With eight inch, multi-speeds and more. (More, more, more.) 
He'll put up no resistance and he'll stay the distance 
I've got an itch to scratch. I need assistance." 

"Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I want electricity, 
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, 791." 

"Gimme flowery prose, like in Love Grows, 
I'll oil your parts and rub you down. (Down, down, down.) 
And that's just one small fraction, of the main attraction, 
Cut to another scene so, we can get some action. 

Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I want electricity, 
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, 791." 

Xev: "Toucha toucha toucha touch me," 

Lyekka: "I want electricity." 

Xev: "Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me," 


Canana: "Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I want electricity, 
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, 791". 

790: "791" 

Tad: "791?" 


Lyekka: "791." 

Stan: "791". 

Xev: "791." 

790: "791." 



Down in the corridors, Stan is stumbling away from an infuriated Kai 
who is whipping him with his wrist brace. 

Stan: "Mercy!" 

Kai: "How did this happen??!! (CRACK!) I understood (CRACK!) that you 
were to be (CRACK!) watching him! (CRACK!) 

Stan: "I was only away for a minute, honest!" 

Kai: "Well, see if the Lexx can find him, now!" (CRACK!) 

Stan: "Lexx, do you know where 790 is?" 


Kai and Stan look at each other for a moment and then race down the 
corridor to Stan's room. They burst in just in time to hear Canana's 
gasp of ecstasy, and Kai tears back the sheets to reveal the two 

Canana: "Eeek!" 

790 (moving defensively in front of her): Stay away from my woman, 
you zombified pervert!" 

Kai bares his teeth in rage, while Stan starts inching towards the 
door, trying to remain unnoticed. 

Kai: "I made you... and I can break you just as easily!" 

He raises his arm... prepares to fire... 

Lyekka (banging a gong behind him): "Master! Dinner is prepared!" 

Kai (whirls around and pauses for a beat): "Excellent. (Turning to 
Canana and 790). Under the circumstances... formal dress... or 
anything else... is optional!" (With that, he flounces out).